Patricia Contaxis

Side Projects

When a Child Has a Life Threatening Illness

Below is the outline for a course I teach on Parenting Children with Life Threatening Illness. I offer an adaptation of this course as a 90 minute parent education talk.

When a Child has a Life Threatening Illness

The Shock of Diagnosis

  • Parents can become depressed.
  • Parents can be thrust into grief.
  • Parents can become psychically numbed – in the service of delayed grief.
  • Parents could cope through all of this.
  • Parents may not cope well through all of this.

Treatment

  • Coping with toxicity of treatment – parents are torn between fighting the illness and wanting to protect their child from unnecessary suffering.
  • Facing the unthinkable, thinking through the unknowable.
  • Living with ambiguity.
  • Falling off the developmental train: out of step with other children and parents; feeling isolated; protecting your child’s self-esteem at the cost of connection to other adults.

Post-treatment

           Cure

  • For the child who is cured post-treatment, there will be a period of time in which the parents view the child as fragile beyond the fragility of healing. They may be afraid of relapse, or simply shaken by the experience of the diagnosis and treatment.
  • Over time, if there is no relapse, and good recovery, parents can regain confidence in the child’s robust health. But sewn into the parents’ psychology is the trauma of the event. Subsequent childhood issues may be felt more strongly that if these parents hadn’t had the experience of diagnosis.

    Examples: some heart problems; pre-maturity, without complications; accidents; etc.

     Chronicity

  • Commensurate with the level of debilitation, the parents have to adjust to this new and unexpected version of childhood for their child, and this unexpected version of parenthood for themselves.
  • There are losses to be grieved: loss of the healthy child; loss of the innocence of new parenthood; loss of the community of parents of healthy children; etc.
  • Foreshortened future.
  • Financial stress.
  • Incursions into freedom as medical appointments take time and impact upon scheduling, from daily schedules to vacations.
  • Constant evaluating whether childhood troubles are “normal” or sequelae, the result of illness; constant evaluating whether a childhood problem is transient, developmental, or more sinister.
  • Adjusting to the new, unfamiliar future for the adult one’s child will become and how to prepare for independence, or relative independence or for adult dependence.
  • Coping with the situation in which a child will certainly succumb to an illness.

   Ambiguity

  • Protecting the child’s integrity and sense of self as healthy while also attending to one’s own sadness as a result of the ambiguous health status.
  • Learning to live with uncertainty.
  • Coping with parental isolation as one’s community cannot possibly reflect accurately one’s experience.
  • Some parents find it difficult to attach to a child whose future is uncertain.
  • Some parents struggle with being over-protective of a child whose future is uncertain.
  • Some parents periodically feel a crisis of faith, having to then re-group in order to move forward with the same fervor and commitment.
  • Living with ambiguity is tiring; it should be expected that parents will fall apart from time to time, even as their child thrives (Reasons: getting tired; passing conscious or unconscious landmarks, e.g. the child’s approaching an age the parent never thought they would get to).

Effects on the Family

      Structural impact

  • Primacy of couple.
  • Time spent with other children.
  • Altering of developmental norms.

Psychological/spiritual/philosophical impact

  •         Primacy of couple.
  •         Orientation to the future.
  •         Living in the now.

 

Patricia is available to speak on the following topics:

  • Preschool, Elementary School, and Adolescent Development
  • Setting Limits
  • Moral Development
  • Parenting Best Practices
  • Civility in Peer Culture: The Dynamics of Status-seeking Behavior Among Children
  • Parenting a Child with a Life Threatening Illness
  • Risky Behavior in Adolescence
  • Gender

She can be reached by email:

patricia@contaxis.net

Past events:

Parent Education and Professional Training

 

Academic Year 2020-2021

  • Julia Morgan School For Girls: semimonthly parent education program.
  • Albany Middle School: parent education programs on the Arc of Adolescent Development, and Adolescent Depression: signs, symptoms and treatment strategies.

Academic Year 2017-2018

  • Wednesday October 18, 7pm, 2017 – Julia Morgan School For Girls: Parenting Through the Teen Years. (Series – Parent Group – Public Event)
  • Thursday October 26, 9am, 2017 – A Better Way, Oakland: Clinical Treatment of Adolescents. (Staff Training)
  • Monday November 6, 1pm, 2017 – The Wright Institute: The Role of the Clinical Consultant. (Guest Speaker)
  • Saturday November 11, 9am-3pm, 2017 – Julia Morgan School for Girls: Three presentations at the first annual Parenting U. (Public Event – Parenting-U.com)
  • Wednesday January 3, 7:30pm, 2018 – Dandelion Nursery School: Setting Limits, Fostering Self-Control, and the Development of Pre-schoolers. (Parent Education – Public Event)
  • Thursday March 8, 7pm, 2018 – Albany Middle School: Teens and Stress. (Parent Education – Public Event)
  • Wednesday March 21, 7pm, 2018 – Julia Morgan School for Girls: Parenting Through the Teen Years. (Series – Parent Group – Public Event)
  • Wednesday April 25, 7pm, 2018 – Julia Morgan School for Girls: Parenting Through the Teen Years. (Series – Parent Group – Public Event)

Academic Year 2016-2017

  • Saturday September 10, 9am, 2016 – Piedmont Middle School Parent PPN Training: The Arc of Adolescent Development. (Staff Training)
  • Thursday September 22, 7pm, 2016 – Miramonte High School, Orinda: Risky Behavior – Managing Adolescent Experimentation. (Public Event)
  • Wednesday October 12, 7pm, 2016 – Julia Morgan School for Girls: Parenting Through the Teen Years. (Series – Parent Group – Public Event)
  • Wednesday December 7, 7pm, 2016 – Julia Morgan School for Girls: Parenting Through the Teen Years. (Series – Parent Group – Public Event)
  • Tuesday January 10, 7:30pm, 2017 – Piedmont 6th Grade Parent Network: The Arc of Adolescent Development. (Public Event)
  • Wednesday January 18, 7pm, 2017 – Cornell Elementary School, Albany: Civility in Peer Culture – working with status-seeking behavior among school-age children.
  • Wednesday January 25, 7pm, 2017 – Julia Morgan School for Girls: Parenting Through the Teen Years. (Series – Parent Group – Public Event)
  • Sunday February 19, 4:30pm, 2017 – First Congregational Church of Berkeley: Talking about Sex with your Teens. (Public Event)
  • Wednesday February 22, 7pm, 2017 – Julia Morgan School for Girls: Parenting Through the Teen Years. (Series – Parent Group – Public Event)
  • Wednesday March 22, 7pm, 2017 – Julia Morgan School for Girls: Parenting Through the Teen Years. (Series – Parent Group – Public Event)
  • Wednesday April 26, 7pm, 2017 – Julia Morgan School for Girls: Parenting Through the Teen Years.  (Series – Parent Group – Public Event)
  • Sunday May 21, 4:30pm, 2017 – First Congregational Church of Berkeley: But It’s Legal! – Talking to your Teen about Drugs and Alcohol. (Public Event)

Academic Year 2015-2016

  • Tuesday September 1, 2015, 9 am – Julia Morgan School For Girls, Oakland: I Am Eleven: Film and Discussion. (Parent Education and Staff Development)
  • Saturday September 12, 2015, 10 am – Piedmont Middle School Parent PPN Training: The Arc of Adolescent Development. (Staff Training)
  • Friday September 25, 2015, 8:30 am – Blue Skies for Children, Oakland: TBA (Staff Training)
  • Monday September 28, 2015, 3:45 pm – Julia Morgan School For Girls, Oakland: The Dynamics of Status Among Children. (Staff Training)
  • Monday March 7, 2016, 7:30 pm – Dandelion Nursery School, Berkeley: Setting Limits and Impulse Control. (Parent Education)
  • Tuesday March 15, 2016, 7:30 pm – Albany Middle School, Albany: The Arc of Adolescent Development. (Parent Education Public Event)
  • Sunday May 15, 2016, 4pm – First Congregational Church of Berkeley, Berkeley: The Arc of Adolescent Development. (Parent Education Public Event)
  • Tuesday May 17, 2016, 7 pm – Piedmont 7th Grade Parent Network, Piedmont: What to Expect in Early Adolescence. (Parent Education Public Event)

Academic Year 2014-2015

  • Saturday September 13, 2014, time TBA – Piedmont Middle School Parent PPN Training: The Arc of Adolescent Development. (Staff Training)
  • Wednesday October 1, 2014, 8pm – Piedmont Middle School 7th Grade Parent Education: Emotional and Cognitive Development of Middle Schoolers. (Parent Education Public Event)
  • Wednesday October 8, 2014, 6:30pm – Julia Morgan School For Girls, Oakland: Managing Risky Behavior. (Parent Education Public Event)
  • Friday November 7, 2014, 12:30pm – Ann Martin Children’s Center, Emeryville: The Arc of Adolescent Development. (Professional Training Public Event)
  • Friday December 5, 2014, 12pm – Piedmont Middle School 6th Grade Parent Education: The Arc of Adolescent Development. (Parent Education Public Event)
  • Monday January 5, 2015, 7:30pm – Dandelion Nursery School, Berkeley: Helping Preschoolers Manage Big Emotions. (Parent Education Public Event)
  • Friday January 16, 2015, 9am – Piedmont Middle School 7th Grade Parent Education: The Arc of Adolescent Development. (Parent Education Public Event)
  • Tuesday January 27, 2015, 7pm – Cornell Elementary School, Albany: TBA. (Parent Education Public Event)
  • Thursday February 26, 2015, 7:30pm – Piedmont High School 11th Grade Parent Education: Preparing to Launch. (Parent Education Public Event)

 Academic Year 2013-2014

  • Wednesday September 11, 2013, 8:15am – Julia Morgan School For Girls, Oakland: The Exquisite Relationship Between Setting Limits and Fostering Independence. (Parent Education Public Event)
  • Tuesday November 12, 2013, 7:15pm – Bishop O’Dowd (Dominican Lounge), Oakland: Communication With Your Adolescent. (Parent Education Public Event)
  • Monday January 6, 2014, 7:30pm – Dandelion Nursery School, Berkeley: Mastery and Impulse Control in Early Childhood. (Parent Education Public Event)
  • Tuesday January 14, 2014, 7:30pm – Piedmont Middle School, Piedmont: The Arc of Adolescent Development. (Parent Education Public Event)
  • Tuesday January 28, 2014, 7pm – Cornell Elementary School, Albany: When The World of Fantasy and Imagination Changes: learn about this important precursor to adolescence and its effect on your parenting. (Parent Education Public Event)
  • Thursday March 6, 2014, 7pm – Julia Morgan School For Girls, Oakland: To Be Announced. (Parent Education Public Event)